No fear!
2003-11-06 @ 2:49 p.m.
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I had a great dream night before last. It was a complex dream but the gist of it was that on the night of my college graduation time was turned back for me and I was allowed to live over some years. I had all the knowledge and experience I have now and knew I was getting a chance to live those years over, so I made a conscious decision to enjoy life with less fear, particularly as it relates to my sexuality. When I told my therapist about this dream she said �Wow!� I agree. The really wonderful part of the dream was that I got to experience things in my dream, almost like a dress rehearsal for living without fear. I have spent so much of my life worrying about offending other people, or worrying what other people would think that I haven�t been able to let myself go and really enjoy experiencing me.
I feel like I�m doing a kind of archeological dig. I�m finding myself buried underneath all �selves� that I�ve made myself into because they were what other people wanted. There is a �me� that has always been there. She just got smothered and covered. Now I have an image of me that is totally of my own creation. She is the me who has always liked bright colors, but didn�t want to call too much attention to herself. She is the me who has always been creative, but was afraid other people would laugh or scoff at what she wanted to do. She is the me who has always liked sex, but was just plain afraid.
Old habits are hard to break, so I�m not expecting myself to feel and act completely free and fearless right away. But it�s a goal.
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