Things that go bump in the night
2005-04-26 @ 12:46 p.m.
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I had a bad night last night - for the first time in months. I woke up thinking about Jake and then started thinking about my father. My therapist and I have talked about the relationship between my fears related to Jake having another girlfriend and my fathers girlfriends. In reality there are major differences. Jake is honest and caring. My father is a lying bastard. I don't think I was consciously aware of most of his outside affairs when I was a kid, but I must have had some awareness that he was risking our family cohesion through his betrayal. None of this applies to Jake. But the old fears apparently surfaced when I realized that her time and energy would be divided again with someone new. These days I wonder where our relationship would be if I hadn't broken down over my old fears. But there's no point in going there. Especially now that family life is getting back to normal - or normal for us anyway.
But back to last night - as soon as I started thinking about my father I started bawling. I tried to go upstairs and sleep so as not to wake up Bad, but I just kept crying. I got my book and went to the living room couch and read for a while until I realized I wasn't crying anymore. When I went back to bed I cuddled up to Bad and told her I was having a bad night. She said soothing things and held me for a while and I went back to sleep and slept the rest of the night. That is the good news. Even though, for a few minutes, I felt as bad as I had during my depression and middle of the night scares - it only lasted for a little while. I went back to sleep and woke up fine. It's hard to tell myself that everything is okay and this is just the depression at work when I'm in the middle of it, but I try. And I come out of it fairly quickly, so I'd say I'm doing okay.
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