Asking for advice
2003-08-15 @ 3:17 p.m.
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Quite a while ago I wanted to put together a group diary for polyamorists (is that a word? Well I�m making it one.), but I never got my shit together to do it. But now I need input from my poly sisters and brothers if there�s anybody still reading my diary that feels qualified to answer.
When I�m together with all my girls, I feel so different and out of place sometimes. Poly relationships seem so easy and natural for them, particularly for Sara and Anat. I love Jake and Sara, and I know they love me. Anat is one of my best friends. But sometimes I have trouble when we are all together because interactions between Jake, Anat and Sara are comfortable and casual. I just don�t always feel so casual about all of our relationships. I want to. I want to be able to enjoy the company of all my family and friends together, and sometimes I can. But sometimes I feel so different and uncomfortable I can�t stay.
Anat eats dinner a lot (it seems) with Jake and Sara, which doesn�t bother me except when I think about the fact that we used to spend a lot more family time together than we do now. Family meals have been cut back from three a week to one and a half (breakfast every other Sunday). When we did that it was partly because we were also getting together for impromptu occasions, so we cut back on scheduled family time. Also, it seems that having a schedule to live by is harder for Jake and Sara than it is for me and Bad. But now we all seem to be so busy that we don�t have time to get together for impromptu meals or outings, much less scheduled events. So it�s not so much the time that Anat spends with them as how much that reminds me of what I�m missing sometimes. The same holds for Jake�s time with Anat. It�s not about how much time they spend together, but about how little time we seem to have together. I�m only jealous when I�m not getting what I want.
Right now Jake and I are in a re-building stage. We�ve both been burned so much in the last few months that we have to get to the place where we feel comfortable with each other again. We�re getting there.
Because I can�t get to the place where I feel completely comfortable with Jake and Anat�s relationship, there are things in Jake�s life I seem to be better off not knowing. But I hate the fact that I have to choose not to know some things. I guess I don�t really need to know everything that�s going on with her, but I feel like I am shut out of a part of her life � and by my own choice.
Last night was one of those times where I felt uncomfortable. I�d been watching a movie with Jake when Anat and Sara came home from shopping. I knew to expect them, so it wasn�t a surprise interruption. I needed to go home anyway, but there was something about the casual banter between the three of them that made me feel uncomfortable. Anat will be surprised to read that because it�s not like anything sexy or flirtatious was being said. Anat had a bad headache and barely said anything, and Sara and Jake were both tired. So I can�t really explain why I felt uncomfortable. Maybe because there is a casual, easiness between all of them that I just don�t feel. I want to; I just don�t for some reason.
So how do I get there? How do I get to that casual, easy place and stop feeling so different? I�ve had this problem from the very beginning of Jake and Anat�s relationship. It won�t do me any good to tell me that I�m just not cut out for polyamory. That part I already know. But I�m not giving up Jake or Bad, and they are both polyamorous. For some reason Bad�s outside lovers don�t bother me as much, just for information.
I know that just because I�m different doesn�t make me not as good. I used to think that being more like Anat would help. But I am so not like Anat. I admire her, but I don�t want to be her. I am different in a lot of ways from both Sara and Anat and that doesn�t make Jake or Bad love me any less. I even know that they both love me because of some of my differences. But when I say I feel different in this circumstance, it�s about feeling like I�m outside the family comfort zone. I do not take to polyamory like a fish to water. It is more effort for me, though I�m not sure why. I�m feeling much more confident, better about myself and my place in the family, but still frustrated. But hey � I�m not crying hysterically about it! That�s a plus.
Anybody else had this kind of problem? Or suggestions on how to deal with it?
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