I want
2003-07-19 @ 4:15 p.m.
�
I have a fantasy of how I�d like for my two intimate relationships to go (Jake and Badsnake). I don�t really expect to get all or even any of the fantasy. But I�ve never really acknowledged to myself or anyone else what I really want. I�ve always assumed I�d never get it, and that I�d be even less likely to get it if I actually said it out loud. But I�m trying to get better at saying what I want, even if it�s only to myself (and now to you). But nobody in the family knows yet, and since they don�t read my diary anymore unless I tell them I�ve updated, it�ll be just between you and me.
I want two primary partners. I guess that has something to do with how I define primary partner. Bad is the one I share financial responsibilities with. But otherwise, I want to be able to give them both equal consideration in my life rather than give one priority over the other. They both give me things (emotionally) that I can�t get from anyone else. Bad is my stability, my equal mate, my brother and my most dependable sex partner. She is always there when I need her. Jake is less reliable, but when she�s there, she fills me up. I want her to be my Daddy, my dominant, the one who tells me what to do, makes me feel protected and safe. When she is there for me, she makes me feel like I can walk out on the high wire because I can�t fall. I can be as adventurous (sexually), kinky, perverted as my imagination can handle because I�m safe.
I want to play at being a real sub sometimes, like using small letters for my name and having dates out in which I can be a sub or times at home designated to be a sub. I want to be able to serve and attend to a dominant that I can spoil with anything I have to offer, even sit at her feet.
But before any of the rest of this can happen, I have to figure out a way to not hurt so much when she goes away (emotionally). I don�t think I can do this by myself. But she isn�t available to me right now to talk about it. So as soon as she comes back and things feel closer to normal (is it really possible to call our relationships anything like �normal�?), I need her help figuring out how to cope with this. Because her cycle of sudden withdrawal always seems connected to, or at least timed along with, something else � exceptionally times of intimacy, a new girlfriend, I never know for sure why she goes. Is the timing coincidence or not? Is there a way to warn me and come up with a strategy for the time that she�s gone? Because every time she goes away it hurts, and instead of getting better, it seems to hurt worse each time. So far she always comes back, but its hard sometimes to hang on to that knowledge.
I know, I need to tell her all these things. Hopefully, when the time is right I will.
�
Selling vulva vases! - 8:25 p.m. , 2005-05-13 Dapper dicks - 8:21 p.m. , 2005-05-09 A breezy night in Georgia - 9:12 p.m. , 2005-04-28 Things that go bump in the night - 12:46 p.m. , 2005-04-26 Evil-doer, you face the Tick! - 3:31 p.m. , 2005-04-15