Waiting
2003-07-18 @ 4:33 p.m.
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I�ve been having a difficult week and also having trouble writing about it. Every time I�ve tried to write a post it sounded whiney, and I don�t want to sound that way, so I dumped it.
Actually there has been good stuff this week, too. I went two-stepping Tuesday night, and Badsnake and I have had some wonderful time together. Bad and I also have plans to go out to dinner tonight to a new restaurant I�ve been wanting to try.
The difficult part has been waiting for Jake. For some reason, I am very focused on Jake and have been for a while. Can�t tell you why �cause I don�t know, other than the fact that she is a very important part of my life. When she is available to me, she gives me emotional strengths that no one else does (I get different emotional strengths from Bad).
Lately Jake has been under a lot of stress and I�m trying to give her the space she seems to need. In other words, I�m trying to leave her alone instead asking for time and strength she doesn�t seem to have right now. But when I can�t see her, spend time with her on a regular basis, I miss her a lot. It�s really hard for me not to assume that she just doesn�t want to see me. I try to keep myself busy so I won�t be just sitting around worrying about why she doesn�t seem to want to spend time with me. I alternate between being angry and trying to be understanding.
The quality time we�ve spent together over the last several months has been sparse. I know that�s related to the stress of having to deal with my depression over the past year, and I try to be patient. I know that it will take time for her to trust that my depression is over. Unfortunately, coming out of the depression hasn�t magically fixed some of the relationship issues we needed to deal with all along. Now that I�m more clear about what I need, I�m ready to start working on getting it. I feel deserted because she is needing time to herself just as I�m ready to work on this relationship. I know that isn�t what she intended, but it�s still how I feel.
So I�m waiting, trying to be patient, loving and understanding. Mostly I feel frustrated.
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