Getting there
2003-06-09 @ 5:50 p.m.
�
I was depressed for almost a year over relationship issues. But maybe it was worth it. I have learned so much, mostly about myself.
Sometimes I have an epiphany and a word or phrase I thought I knew takes on a new and more significant meaning for me. I know the meaning of self-respect. For crying out loud, I used to facilitate workshops designed to improve one�s self-respect. But today I suddenly heard, out loud and large, the word respect in that phrase. When I think of respecting someone else, it means someone I look up to, whose opinion I cherish, someone who deserves my time and attention. Just this past week, I suddenly realized that I am the person whose opinion deserves the most respect when it comes to understanding me. Does that sound odd? I mean the fact that I just figured that out? I�ve spent my whole life trusting other people�s opinions of me more than I trust my own. I can�t say that I�ve completely gotten over that. It�s not something you think about, if you know what I mean. It wasn�t something I did on purpose. But now I�m ready to trust me, possibly even to respect me.
I can�t say this is something I�m completely happy about either. Maybe that sounds odd to you as well. There is a certain amount of comfort in trusting other people to tell you what to do. You give up a certain amount of responsibility for yourself. But I�ve learned that nobody, and I mean nobody, else always has my best interests at heart. Everybody gets selfish once in a while. It�s expected. Well, most people expect it. How na�ve do you have to be for that fact to take you by surprise?
I still wish that there could be someone who always looked after me to make sure I was getting what I need. But that someone has to be me. It�s like a constant vigilance. It can be exhausting. Or maybe I�ll get used to it. It seems to come naturally to most people.
Doesn�t mean I�m going to stop being a kid sometimes. This weekend I had one of those experiences that makes me feel like bouncing up and down and saying things like �and then . . . and then . . . and then� until I have to stop to breathe. Anat and I went leather shopping at Leatherfest on Sunday. I am so excited to be getting back in touch with a leather/kinky community. I had a blast. Afterward we went out to lunch with a couple of friends. When we got back to the Rancho we were relating stories to the family, and I was practically breathless. I used to feel embarrassed by this reaction of mine to things that excite me. I could be twelve again going �oh, oh, oh, and then . . ..� I still feel twinges of this-must-look-so-silly. But some people like my kid-like excitement, and, more importantly, I enjoy the hell out of it. So there.
I�m also very excited to be re-establishing a relationship with Anat. She is someone I�ve always known I wanted as a friend, but other things got in the way for a while. She is fun and exciting, caring and perceptive. I�m very glad to have her in my life. No matter how she got there. :)
�
Selling vulva vases! - 8:25 p.m. , 2005-05-13 Dapper dicks - 8:21 p.m. , 2005-05-09 A breezy night in Georgia - 9:12 p.m. , 2005-04-28 Things that go bump in the night - 12:46 p.m. , 2005-04-26 Evil-doer, you face the Tick! - 3:31 p.m. , 2005-04-15