Jealousy, envy and self-love
2002-11-02 @ 5:20 p.m.
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For Trinity.
How do I deal with jealousy? Your timing is impeccable, dear. I've spent the whole summer dealing with it.
There are different kinds of jealousy. There's jealousy that says "you are mine, and no one else can have you." This can actually turn into a very dangerous, or at least insidious kind of jealousy. I think I can honestly say that I have not had to deal with this kind of jealousy.
I have felt a fear that someone else could take something away from me - not so much the fear that another lover might take my girlfriend away from me entirely, but the fear that I might lose some part of the relationship. When Badsnake and I started having sex outside our relationship I didn't worry that anything might change between us. But it did. It's hard to explain exactly how I have felt that change. In some ways I do feel like I've lost something with her. But I've gained, too. Our relationship has evolved, and we are happy together. I'm sure our relationship will continue to evolve. When Jake started seeing someone else at the beginning of the summer, I was very much afraid of losing some part of our relationship. That hasn't happened. The thing I have lost is time. I'll talk more about that later.
I have also felt jealous either from feeling left out or from feeling envious of someone else's attributes. I have felt sad and lonely because my girlfriend is doing fun stuff with another lover, stuff I'd like to do with her. But we have done lots of fun stuff together, and we will do lots more fun stuff together. I want to be glad that she has someone else to have that much fun with, and I'm getting there. Unfortunately the someone else is younger, more energetic, more adventurous, prettier, skinnier and laughs more easily than I do. Or that's how I felt. The truth is, she is younger; she's probably more energetic; she does wear a smaller dress size. But she isn't prettier or more adventurous, though she probably does laugh more than I do. The things that make us different don't make her better, no matter what my insecurities tell me. We are just different. And honestly, I do believe that now.
The one thing I have lost is time. I've grappled with that all summer. She is the new thing, the new toy, so she gets a lot of attention. That makes sense. But I require a certain amount of attention, too. I've decided it's time to make that need known. I need more attention than I've been getting. At the time of writing this, I haven't actually had this conversation yet. But I will - tomorrow.
To answer Trinity when you ask me how do I deal with the jealousy - did I mention that I'm taking antidepressants? I guess I am probably prone to depression and my feelings got a little out of control. The drugs help a lot. What they help with is being able to look at everything more clearly. I can see the problem a little better without the distortion of out-of-control sadness. What I see is that some of what I have felt is jealousy - my issue, my responsibility. And some of what I have felt is neglect - an issue to address with my girlfriend. (Don't count on your partner to read your mind. She can't. She'll ask for what she wants, and you have to do the same. Its called negotiation. Just because you think she ought to know how much time you need in comparison to her other lovers doesn't mean she does.)
Okay, on a much more practical level. Be sure you have something fun to do while your lover is out with someone else - something really fun. Go do something with a good friend, something you really like to do. Keep yourself occupied and entertained. After all, you deserve to have as good a time as your lover is having. If you can, set up your outside dates so that you are both having dates at the same time. If you don't have a friend or a lover you can do something with, then take yourself out somewhere, do something that you really like to do. Take advantage of the time to have a good soak in a hot bath and read a good book if that is entertaining enough for you. DON'T sit in the dark and mope. Bad often schedules dates when I have to be at work. At this stage of things, that's okay with me. I was going to have to be at work anyway. Maybe I'm a little envious that she's getting to do something fun while I'm working, but it probably won't get the better of me. Most important of all, remember to be patient and kind to yourself, no matter how you feel. I haven't always been very good at that, but I'm getting better.
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