Bad timing
2004-01-19 @ 12:23 p.m.
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I had a couple of pretty good days after Jake and I broke up. She wants us to work on being friends again, being more relaxed and comfortable with each other, so I tried to embrace that idea.
Then yesterday two things happened. I switched my meds. The doc has switched me from Effexor to Wellbutrin. When we tried to get my blood pressure down by reducing my Effexor I just cried all the time. Since it was during the holidays I couldn't deal with the stress of experimenting with my drugs so we went back up on the Effexor and started me taking blood pressure medicine. I was fine, but my blood pressure kept going up. So she upped my blood pressure medicine and switched me to Wellbutrin which I started taking yesterday.
Also yesterday I started wondering how Jake and I were going to be more relaxed and comfortable with each other if we still aren't talking about the stuff down deep that pulled us apart. I still don't feel like I know exactly what happened. Maybe it doesn't matter anymore. But right now this is my fear: that Jake and I will just get more and more frustrated with each other and want to spend less and less time with each other. I'm also afraid that if the four of us don't get back in touch with each other we won't be a family anymore. In short, I am afraid that the life I had come to depend on so much is falling apart around me and that maybe it's my fault.
Okay, some of that has to be the drugs. I'm sure that in the process of switching there is going to be some transition time during which my body is adjusting to the new drug and to the lack of the old one.
Last night, after I had a really crappy day wondering just how much I was about to lose, we had family dinner together. I had thought about canceling it, but that would have just made me feel worse. So I just told them I was having a crappy day, but I wanted us all to have dinner together. The evening went fine, and I even rubbed Jake's shoulders for a while. But the touch doesn't feel the same. There is certainly no spark between us right now, and that is honestly the first time I have felt that way. The others went across the street for an all lesbian viewing with a neighbor of The L Word. I wasn't interested and I wasn't fit to be exposed to other people so I stayed home and went to bed. I've been sleeping a lot.
I have Badsnake, and I will always have her. But I let myself get to the point that I seem to need Jake and Sara, too. Even my therapist is afraid that if we don't get family counseling we'll drift apart. I don't think we need family counseling. I just think we need to spend more time together and talk more. But that's my answer to everything and they don't seem to agree.
Okay, I'm starting to sound desperately depressed and a little too dramatic even to me. I should stop before I get completely out of control. But I'll share a meal with you first.
Last night's dinner was salmon and sausage stir fry with pasta. I just stir-fried the sausage in olive oil and garlic, then added the salmon and cooked it until it turned light pink. I sliced yellow squash and added it and some fresh oregano. In the last few minutes I added some fresh spinach and let it wilt some. Oh yeah, start the pasta first, it will take the longest to cook. I served the stir-fry over linguine. Dry rose is good with this, or a Riesling or probably a light Chianti or Pinot Noir.
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