Wow!
2003-08-04 @ 9:31 p.m.
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Wow! What a thing to realize.
I'm not really all that interested in polyamory! I am and always will be committed to my family. But I didn't get into this because I was committed to polyamory. I have been in love with Jake for a long time. As she pointed out recently, I've loved her long before we started the family relationship.
I didn't think my lack of interest in polyamory would matter that much. Even when the books tell you that when you feel jealous you should remember what you get out of it. Well, the important thing to me that I get out of it is having a relationship with both Badsnake and Jake. Whether I ever have sex with anyone else doesn't matter to me very much. In fact, I'm often a little scared of having sex with someone new. The one time I cheated on Bad when we were monogamous, it was a self-destructive act rather than a desire for an open relationship. That particular woman was a very bad idea for me.
So I've just realized that my lack of interest in looking for other lovers makes a big difference in how I look Jake's outside relationships. It's kinda like looking at it from the other side of the room. Now that I realize the difference in my perspective, I think it makes a difference in how I deal with my relationship with Jake. At least I hope it does.
I'm still not particularly interested in finding other lovers, and that's a hard place to be in under the circumstances. But maybe I can be a little more understanding of both myself and Jake.
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