poly whatever
2003-01-02 @ 9:17 p.m.
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What I was most afraid to say out loud, to admit to myself or anyone else - that sometimes polyamory sucks and I don't seem to be really cut out for it - I finally said. And two wonderful people wrote to me to offer supportive ears and to agree that sometimes poly sucks. The most important part of that is the unsaid reassurance that maybe it won't always suck. Thanks, I needed that.
The books all say to remember what I get out of it, which is supposedly the freedom to have sex with whomever I want. But I only want to have sex with two people. I learned that when I had my one outside sexual adventure. I mean it was fun, but it wasn't all that. I have no need to do it again. So what I get out of it is that I get to stay with the people I love because they are polyamorous. What I am is more like polyfidelity, I guess (sounds like a stereo system).
I wish I could explain why I'm having so much trouble right now. But I can't. So I've given up on trying to understand it and on trying to fix it. I have to give up trying to be the polyamory poster child and be more patient with myself and admit to the things I can't handle. I have to give myself a break, occasionally. The books also say that sometimes our best friends are our partners' lovers. I don't know if I can do that.
You have no idea how hard it is for me to give up on being perfect. I guess my family will love me anyway. But it's hard for me to accept imperfection in myself.
This will all get better, and my family isn't going to fall apart, regardless of Bad's fears.
Is there an AA group for jealousy? Is there a twelve step program?
Hi, I'm Debbie, and I'm jealous.
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