It just fucking sucks
2003-01-01 @ 12:08 p.m.
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Polyamory sucks. I think I'm just way too insecure to handle it. But it's way too late for me to come to that conclusion. So instead of trying to pretend to be the brave big girl, I have to come up with some real coping mechanism. I just don't know what they are yet. I don't know if I can continue to write in this diary because I don't want to put down here some of the things I'm thinking, but I don't want to continue to try to be cheerful and upbeat when I'm not.
Sweetie, I have to stop hanging out with you for a while. I'm sorry. I feel like an asshole because I need to do that and a coward because this is the way I tell you. I'm sorry. That's all I can say. It's the best I can do. It's not about you or anything you've done. I wish I were stronger or more mature or something.
I have to spend the afternoon with my bio family today. I have a niece who's almost two years old (or maybe three) that I have never seen. She lives less than an hour away. That sucks. But I almost begged out of visiting with them even though I haven't seen any of them in a very long time. There was only one thing I actually wanted to do today, and you get to do it in my place. It's not your fault. It isn't anybody's fault. It isn't a thing that needs to have fault applied. But right now, for me, it sucks.
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